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Most of us have had someone we’re close to struggle through a rough patch. Wanting to help the person feel better, we may try to offer a quick solution to the problem.
When asked to describe their style when helping a friend, over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent Student Health 101 survey said they suggest ideas or give advice. Although the intention behind this approach is admirable, sometimes offering your ears is the best problem-solving strategy.
Why Listening Helps
This might seem counterintuitive: Listening without an agenda, not trying to fix the problem, and not aiming to make someone “feel better” will often actually help the person feel a whole lot better! Elania L., a student at Community College of Denver in Colorado, shares, “It’s always helpful when a friend really listens and gives his or her undivided attention. It makes me feel seen.”
Dr. Mary Westfall, reverend of the Durham Community Church in New Hampshire, explains that genuine listening allows people to find their inner, wise voice. “Deep listening creates self-understanding,” she says. Sherry H., a student here at Ashford University, agrees. She adds, “Sometimes, just talking through a problem can illuminate a solution, even if we’re not trying to find one. As we speak, we might see a truth that we didn’t notice before.”
Vanessa N., a graduate student taking online classes at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, explains, “I like to use other people as a sounding board for my ideas. Talking with my friends about the things that stress me out helps me realize whether or not the issues need resolving.”
Listen Without Judgment
Listening carefully and without judgment allows the person you’re helping to be honest about his or her feelings—with you and with him-or herself.
Stay focused on the moment, resisting the urge to jump in and talk about your similar experience or offer a solution.
Paul F., a graduate student at Sul Ross State University Rio Grande College in Uvalde, Texas, says, “In the past, I was quick to give advice. But I’ve learned that it’s not what people want. They need someone to listen and empathize.”
Andrea O., a graduate student at the University of North Texas Health Science Center in Fort Worth, concurs. “Allowing a person to vent helps resolve a lot of stressful situations. Advice only helps when it’s asked for,” she notes.
Here are seven listening tips:
- Relax. Quiet the part of your brain that’s analyzing and think of yourself as a receptacle for your friend’s words.
- Find out what your friend needs. You can specifically ask if he or she wants you to listen, help problem-solve, suggest resources, or something else.
- Stay in the moment. If you find your mind drifting or racing to develop solutions, bring yourself back.
- Avoid turning the focus on yourself. Check “I” and “me” statements at the door.
- Ask for elaboration. Open-ended questions can help your friend home in on the specifics of the situation and come up with his or her own ideas for a solution.
- Offer observations carefully. Try saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling…”
- Wait to share your opinion. Even if it’s requested, keep any suggestions open-ended. Use phrases like, “You could try” instead of “You should.”
If you’re used to developing solutions, providing support through simply listening may feel strange at first. That’s okay. It might help to think of times when someone listened to you or to identify someone whom you believe is a good listener. What does this person do that’s helpful? What does he or she say? How does his or her nonverbal communication demonstrate careful listening?
Take Care of Yourself
Feeling overwhelmed by another’s problem, or responsible for fixing it, can be stressful. You can be a resource and support for your friend, but you also need to take care of yourself.
Jeanne Haley, a counselor in Framingham, Massachusetts, says, “When a friend is in distress [it’s natural to want] to relieve or alleviate his or her pain. We don’t want to be in pain either, and we are when a friend’s struggling or suffering. It’s like a grief reaction.”
It’s important to realize that in order to support your friend, you need to have boundaries and continue to take care of your own well-being. One way to do this is to be clear about how you’re able to help. At the same time, make sure your friend connects with other resources, like a counseling center.
Don’t forget that you can use these services, too. “The ability to [manage] your own sadness is a very effective way of helping another,” says Haley.
Most people want to feel understood. With practice, you’ll be able to be a supportive friend and also take care of yourself in the process.
- Listen carefully, without judgment.
- Realize that you don’t have to fix others’ problems.
- Relax while you’re listening and focus on your friend’s feelings.
- Help your friend access school and community resources.
- Acknowledge feelings that come up for you while supporting your friend.
Get help or find out more
Helpguide.org, Effective Communication
Lorain County Community College, Problem Solving Strategies